PAIN>

I'm very happy to see that, despite myself, I haven't complained about pain once on this site, yet. I break that habit today, however, for it is the first and foremost thing on my mind.

I worked my heart and soul out at a job on a horse farm(of course). It was a foolish task of youth. NEVER give that much of yourself to anyone, but Jehovah and yourself or family. Lived and learned.

You see, one day, just like any other, I was finishing up my workday with carrying a 50lb. feedbag down some stairs to a barn. Out of exhaustion, I suppose, I missed a step and fell forward hard on the landing. I sat up quickly, in shock for a few minutes, amazed that I had not smashed my face on the cement and thanking Jehovah that I was still alive. I made sure I was unharmed, finished my tasks and went home for the day.

The following day, Thursday, I was a bit more achy than usual, but I paid it no mind. Then, Friday, by the time the day was over, I could barely drive home. My back was in intense, sharp shooting pain. I practically crawled into my house and fought the pain until Monday, when I finally went to get it treated. Unfortunately, the place I went to was the worst place I could have gone (Dolson Avenue Medical, Middletown, NY). I went merely because it was familiar to me.

About a month later, my neck pains had gotten so bad that I hardly felt any of the pain in my low back anymore. The pain was on the right side of my neck, down my right shoulder and into my right arm. Then, from the bottom of my skull up the back of my head. These are the pains I suffer from mostly today, 7 months later. The pinching in the back is NOTHING compared to the upper body agony.

I've had two epidurals to treat the inflammation in my neck and they worked on the spots the put the medicine in, but towards the from of the neck, it is still burning and the back of my head feels like I was hit in the head with a baseball bat. It's only on the surface of the skull though, it doesn't affect the rest of my head. But that is enough to stop me from living life.

I wasn't doing so bad until a couple of weeks ago. January 22nd I was given the O.K. by Dr. Lester (Emerson, NJ) to return to work with NO restrictions. He said I needed to work through the pain and that sitting home doing nothing would prolong my pain and add depression and whatnot.
My jerk of a boss wouldn't let me come back to work for him (thankfully), so I proceeded to set and exercise schedule for myself, determined to get better. I am a very self motivated person, extremely stubborn when I need to be (and sometimes when I shouldn't, but I'm working on that). I was walking a mile 3 times a week, doing pilates daily for my core muscles and I even had a little dumbell routine. I wasn't feeling too bad yet, so I started going out in the field ministry as much as possible, which involved alot of driving. I was happier than ever. As the Dr. had ordered I got a couple deep tissue massages, as well.

Then one day it hit me. It was at night when I started feeling alittle sick. I get sick alot, so I went home soon after the meeting at the Kingdom Hall and I couldn't get up from the couch without wanting to vomit. I never did, though. I also had no other symptoms, but weakness and fatigue and my head started hurting even worse. It wasn't until Sunday morning that I realized it was all because of my head pain. I had showered and prepared for the noon meeting and just before we left it hit me: the intense pain emitting from the back surface of my head which made me feel that sickness again.

I still kept pushing myself. The Dr. had told me I had to have faith that I'd get better, so I tried. I'm still trying even now as I sit here typing as my head pounds and burns and feels as it it's so heavy I couldn't even lift it with my arms. What basis does the Dr. have for telling me to work through the pain? None. The more I do, the more intensified the pain gets.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow. And if he can't tell me anything to help? We're gonna have to take it all into our own hands and sue for permanent damage. I'm so young. This stinks.

Even so, my life is wonderful (compared to what it used to be) and I know it. I try not to complain, because I'd rather be here with Jehovah and my family and congregation than anywhere in the world. Even if I don't ride a horse again pain-free until the paradise is regained.

What's 80 years compared to forever? A drop in the ocean! Think about it. I do all the time. Forever is a LONG wonderful time with no pain and suffering :)

-T

Not Mother Material

I cannot stand the traits of children. Whinning, crying, temper tantrums... I think my friend was right when she told me I should refrain from having kids for the good of mankind.

-T

Long Lost Friend

I just got back in contact with one of the best friends I've ever had. I haven't seen her in over 10 years. I've only talked to her maybe 6 times since I saw her. Since we met in Barstow, CA, our relationship lasted only 6 months before she moved across the country to New York.
But yes, she is my friend. And after all this time apart, it's amazing to find how similar we still are.

Here's the story.
I grew up in Barstow, California. When I was about 11, a woman moved into our congregation with a daughter a little older than I and a son, about 4 years old. My mother became good friends with this woman and I became great friends with her daughter. We grew closer for the six months she was there (we just figured out it was only six months, it had felt like alot longer). Then, it seemed, all the sudden one day she was gone. The mother moved back with her husband in New York, whom she had been separated from.

A few years later, my family moved to New York. A few years went by before I remembered her and realized she live in the same state as we now lived in. At that time, my mother had the mother's phone number and we commenced on another short exchange of letters and phone calls.
She got married and somehow we lost contact again. I left the life I knew and it too a good five years to realize what I had to in order to be happy.
About a month ago I started searching for her again. Her last name had changed and I had no way of finding her, it appeared. Then, someone reminded me that a brother in our congregation was from upstate. I asked the brother if he knew the last name and it turned out he knew her uncle and got me her information two weeks later.
I called her last Sunday and left a message. She called me that Wednesday, which was perfect timing and let me explain why.
My husband and I had been growing slowly apart for a reason unknown to me. Some unknown sense told me something was wrong. I had been reminded by the elders in the congregation that my husband should be my best friend. It was a thought I'd never really thought before. I was his wife, wasn't I? But I had been longing for a close friend that I had more in common with, it seemed he didn't get me. And just before I got in contact with my friend, Dave and I worked it all out. We're okay again, thanks to Jehovah.

Back to the subject, my friend and I are exactly the same as the 10+ years ago, except we're both married. Both into singing/guitar, art, the Truth... and we both care for eachother as we always did. Nothing has changed, not even our voices it seems.

And in what other world would I have been able to find her, what other organization in the world would 2 friends find eachother and still be on the same page, as it were. I'm so glad that she is still with Jehovah. I'm getting blessed right and left the more I do for Him. Happiness being the greatest blessing of all. And this week's Watchtower study? Magnificent. He certainly watches over his people.

And so begins another adventure. Awesome.

-T

A Perfect Example of the Secret of a Successful Marriage

It never ceases to amaze me how much being close to Jehovah can change your personality. I expected myself to react to a recent situation like my mother always did with everything dramatic: Explode and attack with a lecture fueled by fear and passion. Not only that, but it was something that I knew I was right about and being lied to about and yet...I didn't even think of saying I told you so. Nor did I rub the mistake in his face.
I, in fact, shouldered part of the blame from Jehovah's point of view. A wife should respect her husband, no matter how hard it can be to do so. And I hadn't been, which led to part of the problem. I humbled myself, and even though I have a natural instinct to react impulsively when it involves me being lied to, I calmly talked and listened. This had great effectiveness.
And if it hadn't been for that prayer to Jehovah to help me act the way I should, I NEVER would have handled that right. But I did. And I'm proud of it and have only Jehovah to thank. Now we can go on from here together, instead of being enemies, as I know happens most of the time in the world. Pitiful and not surprising without Jehovah.
Seriously. For me, a successful marriage would be impossible without Him. And I am in NO way exaggerating. Everyone in the world that knew me previously is surprised it even lasted this long. Maybe one day they'll actually get curious enough to find out why...

-T

The Vicious Cycle and The Importance of Imagination

First of all, I think it's really freaky that you have "followers" on this site. I feel like I started a cult. I love to write however, and even though I never considered a keyboard and a screen as authentic as a paper and a pen, it'll have to do, because it's much faster and I shant have the time in the future.

I've got a lot of work to do and it really stresses me out. Well, stress is one thing, it's a totally different issue when you have to deal with severe depression as well. Then, you start thinking about all the things you have to do and you want to do them right at that moment, but it's impossible and it happens all the time and you get overwhelmed and you feel like a failure because you are doing nothing right at that second. Then, you just want to lie there and continue to do nothing, wishing you didn't have to go through it all. I love run-on sentences.

A normal person, of course, would do something like make a list and a schedule of when they were going to do these tasks then, do them accordingly. So, that's what I'm going to do. Thank goodness for my imagination. It was well developed as a child in a California desert and has served me well in the matter of empathy and cases as the one seen above. Imagining what a "normal" person would do has saved me many times.

My depression is not going to get the best of me today. Hooray. Alright. Time to do things....

I'll never get tired of watching this. The mom's like, "WHAT WAS THAT?? Oh, it's you."