What I *Really* Do

I received my high school diploma, driver's liscense, amplifier (as a gift from my brother. What an awesome brother, eh?) and bought my Fender Strat all within a month of eachother. I'd have to truthfully say the guitar and amp that were the ones that made me who I am today. Well, maybe not made me, but are more part of me, more significant to me than any of those other things.

Perhaps it's because they all came to me in such a short period of time that I kinda group them together, categorize them as one.

I realize that I've mostly written about my pain, and it's true, it consumes my life at present, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that it also affected me mentally and emotionally 95% of the past year.

A week or two ago, I had to switch medications, therefore stop one so that I could start another. In between, Dave and I had an issue. It's kinda funny, because it was set off with his boots being thrown all over the mud room (or whatever that room is called), just one of those matches that broke the camels back (or set it on fire!). It led to me actually discussing it and why it upset me so much, instead of just getting angry or yelling and for the first time in a YEAR, no joking at all, I felt like myself. For the first time in a YEAR I realized I had had a cloud over my brain that wouldn't let me communicate properly, which has led to frustration and anger and... many other problems.

One of the problems that his cloud has caused, especially in the past few months, is lack of creativity. I don't want to pick up a guitar or drumstick. If I force myself, I can only practice one song or beat - a song I know- then, I totally lose interest. If I write, it's only a line or even one word at a time! The next time I write could be days, or weeks!

Good news is, though... now that I realize what has happened to me, I am trying hard to fight it! I am fighting to get my mind back. The new medication they have me on doesn't seem to effect me the same, but unfortunately... it doesn't really work either... so I can start to write again, but not hold a guitar, for the pain has intensified.

For me, the first minor step to inspiration is just the right book to write in. For me, not just any old notebook will do. Not just any old place will do either. I'm picky. I guess all artsts are. Blech, it's so cliche, hehe.

But tonight, since I've been in far too much pain to sleep well anyhow, I have a song to work on. It awakens something in me that I need feel myself. It's what I really do - Music. It's what I could make money off of if it were my primary goal, but I may still... to an extent. I am an artist, but I am a realist, too. I know what people want. I started a post about my music, but it's in drafts until I'm better and ready to play open mikes again to get in practice, just for fun. Hopefully soon, after radiofrequency. Hopefully I'll be able to rock out at my sister's wedding.

-T

Sonic Youth

It's finally time to get my mind off of life and distract if with one of the loves of my life: Music.

Today the group is the above mentioned, whom I discovered through an old friend, Link, who I used to go to Juliana Hatfield concerts with in NYC. He came over to visit Dave and I long ago and put a bunch of cds onto my computer, many worth listening to, including a few of Sonic Youth's.











So, lately I had to make the usually 45 minute drive up to Ferndale, NY to my Pain Management doctors(I made it in 30 that time) and I needed some new music. When I worked, I used to buy cds as often as some people bought milk - weekly (or more). It has been a great sacrafice to forego the purchase of a new artist or album so often since I myself have no earned paycheck coming in. Also, my husband would not object to anything that makes me happy, so I make the choice myself. I feel bad enough that I can't help him out financially, I don't want to add that much of a burden on him.

So, I scan my iTunes and BAM! my eye lands on Sonic Youth. Now, they are not total strangers to my ears, no, since Link put them in my hands they have popped up on shuffle every once in a while, but it didn't give me a chance to figure out which songs I really liked of theirs. So I decided the time had come to give them a real chance. I put random songs on an audio cd (don't know why, I should've done mp3 and put them all on!) and have been listening to it ever since, weeding out the good and bad songs.

I've known about them for years, ever since my Bikini Kill and Le Tigre (artists I will recommend NOT to listen to) days where they mention them in the lyrics, but I had no idea what they were like.

Like most of my favorites, many would be annoyed by them. Some would tolerate them. Few would love them. I don't know alot about the band. I know there's at least one male and female singer. The female singer's voice is breathy and if you want to get technical...talentless. But I love it.

The music is far from mainstream, though some of it is a stretch even for me! Their good stuff is very good, their way too experimental stuff... basically isn't even music.

But I will give you a list of songs to check out to start you out, so you aren't scared off right away by weirdness. I am careful about what I suggest, so only a few songs at a time. I will include links to lyrics and youtube. Read them as you listen to the song on youtube or whatever.

- Incinerate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veucSOXV1F8 and lyrics - http://www.metrolyrics.com/incinerate-lyrics-sonic-youth.html


- Disconnection Notice and lyrics http://www.metrolyrics.com/disconnection-notice-lyrics-sonic-youth.html


- Turquoise Boy
and lyrics - http://www.metrolyrics.com/turquoise-boy-lyrics-sonic-youth.html


- Paper Cup Exit Unfortunately, there are no videos for this song, my favorite of them all! Strange, but...genius. Let me listen to it again to make sure I'm not mistaken...NO... It starts out sounding completely normal. Then. it sounds like it's the theme to a horror movie, Frankenstein or something and it builds and builds and you're like "what in the world is happening???" Then. the chorus and you can kinda rock to it and it's all good. You start listening to the lyrics and apprectiating it for the poetry, the art. It's where the title from my last post came from. "I don't mind if you sing a different song just as long, just as long as you sing, sing along" is the real quote. Anyway, I like it, even if it freaks you out.

I doubt the others will though. Enjoy.

-T

I don't care if you song a different song just as long as you sing along.

I still can't believe I'm still alive after all of this. 24 and unable to do so much. I was reminiscing about walking in the dead of a snow storm with a bottle of wine a few miles to a friend's house. I didn't quite know how to get there and the snow was too deep to drive. I got lost and ended up cutting through people's backyards to get there. By the time I arrived the wine was almost frozen, it was that cold. I've never had a wine slushie since!

I miss climbing trees. I miss jumping on a horse's back just to see what he'll do, no bridal or anything. I miss jumping courses and learning dressage riding. I miss spending hours out in field service with the pioneers meeting different calls and coming home feeling that incomparable feeling that you just spent your time in the best way possible. I miss getting to know the friends out in service, as well. I miss playing open mike, nights, rocking out on my fender strat playing the songs I'm so proud of. I miss working so hard that I'm exhausted, sweaty and smelly at the end of the day (horse work is only for special people, haha). I miss bringing home a paycheck. I miss helping Dave out financially. I miss washing mud off my boots and oiling them. I miss feeling worth something, feeling useful and needed and reliable.

I don't feel as worthy as I used to. It's been a year since I have. That's why it's so amazing... it's amazing that, in the past, my severe depression has led me on a course of self destruction and yet, with Jehovah, my situation has not deteriorated me to the state of desiring suicide. THAT is mind blowing, to me.

And though I miss all of those things... it's not that heart wrenching/breaking missing, so don't feel bad for me. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. There are people much worse!! At least I'm not confined to a wheelchair! At least I still have a hope of improvement. The radiofrequency has a very good chance of working.

So, I don't feel depressed, even at my worst, or if I do, it's NOTHING compared to what I've been through, I garuantee that! I have learned to rely on Jehovah and I shall never go through that feeling again as long as I live, for that is one lesson I have learned as well as how to spell my name!

I only hope that my effort to get to the meetings (and it has been getting increasingly more painful to do so and I've been spending pretty much all of it in the back room) has greatly encouraged some, because sometimes I feel that's all I can give the congregation and it is very important to me to give something to the congregation, somekind of encouragement. They are my family, my life. I love them like my literal family and Dave feels the same.

That's another thing that kills me. I cannot wait for this weight to be taken off of Dave. I do feel like it has gotten better lately since we have been talking a bit more, but I do hate for him to worry about me. As I said, it bothers me for anyone to worry about me, most of all him.

But if I were to make any point in this log, I suppose it would be that I'm SO glad to have Jehovah and his people, my friends and family. Life would be nothing without them. Forget being in a wheelchair, forget being paralyzed...life could only truly be worse if I did not have Jehovah. Life would not be worth living. It wouldn't be enough.

So yeah. Here's a picture on my husband and I.

-T