What I *Really* Do

I received my high school diploma, driver's liscense, amplifier (as a gift from my brother. What an awesome brother, eh?) and bought my Fender Strat all within a month of eachother. I'd have to truthfully say the guitar and amp that were the ones that made me who I am today. Well, maybe not made me, but are more part of me, more significant to me than any of those other things.

Perhaps it's because they all came to me in such a short period of time that I kinda group them together, categorize them as one.

I realize that I've mostly written about my pain, and it's true, it consumes my life at present, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that it also affected me mentally and emotionally 95% of the past year.

A week or two ago, I had to switch medications, therefore stop one so that I could start another. In between, Dave and I had an issue. It's kinda funny, because it was set off with his boots being thrown all over the mud room (or whatever that room is called), just one of those matches that broke the camels back (or set it on fire!). It led to me actually discussing it and why it upset me so much, instead of just getting angry or yelling and for the first time in a YEAR, no joking at all, I felt like myself. For the first time in a YEAR I realized I had had a cloud over my brain that wouldn't let me communicate properly, which has led to frustration and anger and... many other problems.

One of the problems that his cloud has caused, especially in the past few months, is lack of creativity. I don't want to pick up a guitar or drumstick. If I force myself, I can only practice one song or beat - a song I know- then, I totally lose interest. If I write, it's only a line or even one word at a time! The next time I write could be days, or weeks!

Good news is, though... now that I realize what has happened to me, I am trying hard to fight it! I am fighting to get my mind back. The new medication they have me on doesn't seem to effect me the same, but unfortunately... it doesn't really work either... so I can start to write again, but not hold a guitar, for the pain has intensified.

For me, the first minor step to inspiration is just the right book to write in. For me, not just any old notebook will do. Not just any old place will do either. I'm picky. I guess all artsts are. Blech, it's so cliche, hehe.

But tonight, since I've been in far too much pain to sleep well anyhow, I have a song to work on. It awakens something in me that I need feel myself. It's what I really do - Music. It's what I could make money off of if it were my primary goal, but I may still... to an extent. I am an artist, but I am a realist, too. I know what people want. I started a post about my music, but it's in drafts until I'm better and ready to play open mikes again to get in practice, just for fun. Hopefully soon, after radiofrequency. Hopefully I'll be able to rock out at my sister's wedding.

-T