Forget to Breathe

There is a feeling that, to me, is the most comfortable, safe feeling in the world - as if being embraced by the person you love and trust most in your life. Because I know that feeling so well, not because it's good for me. Because I can wallow in it for hours. Because it's dark and I can be truly alone, where I crave to be. I can write my best, I can think my best, my most creative and magnificent.

But I can't go there. I know I can't, but the medicine I am on is making me want to so badly. It's making me think things I haven't thought since I was 16. Under similar circumstances - someone caring and worrying about me that I don't want caring and worrying about me. It's a childish reaction to feel this way, I know. That's why I shant let it get the better of me.

You see? Thinking it through helps me clear my mind. If only more people stopped to think...

-T

Stina Nordenstam

If someone were to ask me what 3 things would I run out of the house with if it were on fire, I'd have to say: my dog, my Bible (because of all my notes) and my Stina Nordenstam cds. Hopefully, I'd be wearing my converse, and my cowboy boots and hat would be by the door so those wouldn't be a concern...

Seriously, though. More than any other artist in my life, Stina Nordenstam has been a doorway to newer, more eclectic branches of music. This makes her the most important to me. Born March 4, 1969 in Stockholm, Sweden, she stays out of the spotlight nowadays, and if I may say so, it's a darn great idea. Why?

Well, there are fans...and then there are Stina fans. For a while, I was as obsessive as the next one, back when music was all I had in life. Stina has more of a mystery to her than anyone in this world could ever even hope to obtain. Not that that's what most singers nowadays are in the business for anyway. That's not what makes money. Stina Nordenstam hasn't given a live preformance since the early 90's! Her last album came out in ...was it 2005? "The World Is Saved."

Now...let me tell you the beauty of this woman, of her talent.

1. Her voice

Light, at times slurred and difficult to understand. The song that made her popular in the States was "Little Star" from that stupid Romeo + Juliet movie with that stupid, stupid actor that annoys me so much. My brother brought home a tape a girl had made him in high school and I loved the song right off and had to explore it when I was older and got the chance. And when I did, I found what I was looking for in music. This light, delicate voice crawling through the dark bloody alleys at night being witness to murders and beatings and things so depressing that I didn't know what to do with myself. Yes, I was a depressed teen, what can I say? "Forgetting you is like breathing water. There's gotta be a better way..."

That was DYNAMITE. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone prone to depression. She less depressing, better albums, no worries.

Then, there was the album with a few love songs and less misery, the one containing "Little Star" - And She Closed Her Eyes

Then, FINALLY, after searching high and low every used cd store I knew, I stumbled upon perhaps my favorite of Nordenstam's up to then: Memories of a Colour. You see, maybe I should have mentioned this before, Stina Nordenstam's father was a jazz musician... I think... perhaps I'm wrong, I seem to read somewhere she listened to jazz records, but i don't trust the sources. This album is soaked in jazzed influence, yet, it is very unusual in it's beats and compsition. The last song, A Walk in the Park is a perfect example. There is nothing mainstream about this artist. A quality I hold dear in all my favorites.

Before I forget:

2. Lyrics

Stina's lyrics seem to always tell a story, something even my brother could appreciate. Memories of a Colour has the best stories in my opinion, pre-This Is...

Moving on...

This Is Stina Nordenstam. Yes, that's the name of the album. I'm skipping one, but I'll get back to it. This one has it's jewels such as "Circus", where I get my "only not mad woman in the park" page name, Everyone Else in the World" - the video breaks my heart. "There's Welcome to Happiness". You can guess the next line...

People Are Strange. An album entirely of covers(except for one song, I believe), though it takes some doin' to figure out what songs they are. That's how well remade they are. After hearing this record, it annoys me when people remake songs and they sound EXACTLY the same as the original!! Use some imagination already! People are lame. There are some songs I have yet to discover what the originals are...but I'm still searching... and randomly I find them while watching old movies or something like that. There's a... is it Bryan Adams? song that I didn't recognize until I heard the lyrics in the original. Never have I appreciated that song previously. Looking at an interview of hers after that album helps understand alot about that record.

The World Is Saved. Now, I'm all to familiar to artist fading out when they get into their 40's... getting comfortable with themselves, having a kid and their anger dying down (Tori Amos) or the drugs they took when they were young finally fully catching up to them (Bjork)... or bands just going on an indefinite hiatus.

But this album, after so many years, is one of my very favorites. Right there with Memories. Of course, if you chat with other Stina fans, they all have different opinions, but they all love every record she has made, some more than others. every one has goodness in it and this one shows she could very well be only beginning all over again! Makes it all the more exciting. I remember the years wondering if the rumour of a new record really was only a rumour... the desparate excitement of having to have the cd as soon as it came out, needing it...

Sorry, i'm drowning in memories...great songs on this one are: Butterfly and From Cayman islands With Love.
"Living is great."
"Of course it is! What else did you think? What else did you think..."
A strange note of hope for me in this song. It reminds me that living really is wonderful. I forget sometimes. A beautiful trumpet, too.
Failing to Fly is terribly depressing, but the last bit defines me to the tee.
"And out of all my failures in life, I like that the best." You have to hear it to make sense of it.

That reminds me why she stays away from the public. She herself is obviously so alone and depressed herself, that so many lonely and depressed people listen to her and want to be her friend because they think they'll understand her and vice versa. But you can't know anyone from their music alone. No, not ever. That is why I think she is more stable than most. That's why it's so easy for me to feel kinship with her through her music. many people hang on to that obsession, but having grown over the years, I understand it's nothing real.

As Blonde Redhead said, "Had to tell myself "It's only music." Blows my mind, but it's like that."'

-T

>>>LINKS to **songs and videos

Everyone Else in the World (This Is...) -

Keen Yellow Planet (This Is...) -

Dynamite (Dynamite) -

**From Catman Islands With Love (The World Is Saved) -


**Hopefully Yours (And She Closed Her Eyes) -

What I *Really* Do

I received my high school diploma, driver's liscense, amplifier (as a gift from my brother. What an awesome brother, eh?) and bought my Fender Strat all within a month of eachother. I'd have to truthfully say the guitar and amp that were the ones that made me who I am today. Well, maybe not made me, but are more part of me, more significant to me than any of those other things.

Perhaps it's because they all came to me in such a short period of time that I kinda group them together, categorize them as one.

I realize that I've mostly written about my pain, and it's true, it consumes my life at present, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that it also affected me mentally and emotionally 95% of the past year.

A week or two ago, I had to switch medications, therefore stop one so that I could start another. In between, Dave and I had an issue. It's kinda funny, because it was set off with his boots being thrown all over the mud room (or whatever that room is called), just one of those matches that broke the camels back (or set it on fire!). It led to me actually discussing it and why it upset me so much, instead of just getting angry or yelling and for the first time in a YEAR, no joking at all, I felt like myself. For the first time in a YEAR I realized I had had a cloud over my brain that wouldn't let me communicate properly, which has led to frustration and anger and... many other problems.

One of the problems that his cloud has caused, especially in the past few months, is lack of creativity. I don't want to pick up a guitar or drumstick. If I force myself, I can only practice one song or beat - a song I know- then, I totally lose interest. If I write, it's only a line or even one word at a time! The next time I write could be days, or weeks!

Good news is, though... now that I realize what has happened to me, I am trying hard to fight it! I am fighting to get my mind back. The new medication they have me on doesn't seem to effect me the same, but unfortunately... it doesn't really work either... so I can start to write again, but not hold a guitar, for the pain has intensified.

For me, the first minor step to inspiration is just the right book to write in. For me, not just any old notebook will do. Not just any old place will do either. I'm picky. I guess all artsts are. Blech, it's so cliche, hehe.

But tonight, since I've been in far too much pain to sleep well anyhow, I have a song to work on. It awakens something in me that I need feel myself. It's what I really do - Music. It's what I could make money off of if it were my primary goal, but I may still... to an extent. I am an artist, but I am a realist, too. I know what people want. I started a post about my music, but it's in drafts until I'm better and ready to play open mikes again to get in practice, just for fun. Hopefully soon, after radiofrequency. Hopefully I'll be able to rock out at my sister's wedding.

-T

Sonic Youth

It's finally time to get my mind off of life and distract if with one of the loves of my life: Music.

Today the group is the above mentioned, whom I discovered through an old friend, Link, who I used to go to Juliana Hatfield concerts with in NYC. He came over to visit Dave and I long ago and put a bunch of cds onto my computer, many worth listening to, including a few of Sonic Youth's.











So, lately I had to make the usually 45 minute drive up to Ferndale, NY to my Pain Management doctors(I made it in 30 that time) and I needed some new music. When I worked, I used to buy cds as often as some people bought milk - weekly (or more). It has been a great sacrafice to forego the purchase of a new artist or album so often since I myself have no earned paycheck coming in. Also, my husband would not object to anything that makes me happy, so I make the choice myself. I feel bad enough that I can't help him out financially, I don't want to add that much of a burden on him.

So, I scan my iTunes and BAM! my eye lands on Sonic Youth. Now, they are not total strangers to my ears, no, since Link put them in my hands they have popped up on shuffle every once in a while, but it didn't give me a chance to figure out which songs I really liked of theirs. So I decided the time had come to give them a real chance. I put random songs on an audio cd (don't know why, I should've done mp3 and put them all on!) and have been listening to it ever since, weeding out the good and bad songs.

I've known about them for years, ever since my Bikini Kill and Le Tigre (artists I will recommend NOT to listen to) days where they mention them in the lyrics, but I had no idea what they were like.

Like most of my favorites, many would be annoyed by them. Some would tolerate them. Few would love them. I don't know alot about the band. I know there's at least one male and female singer. The female singer's voice is breathy and if you want to get technical...talentless. But I love it.

The music is far from mainstream, though some of it is a stretch even for me! Their good stuff is very good, their way too experimental stuff... basically isn't even music.

But I will give you a list of songs to check out to start you out, so you aren't scared off right away by weirdness. I am careful about what I suggest, so only a few songs at a time. I will include links to lyrics and youtube. Read them as you listen to the song on youtube or whatever.

- Incinerate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veucSOXV1F8 and lyrics - http://www.metrolyrics.com/incinerate-lyrics-sonic-youth.html


- Disconnection Notice and lyrics http://www.metrolyrics.com/disconnection-notice-lyrics-sonic-youth.html


- Turquoise Boy
and lyrics - http://www.metrolyrics.com/turquoise-boy-lyrics-sonic-youth.html


- Paper Cup Exit Unfortunately, there are no videos for this song, my favorite of them all! Strange, but...genius. Let me listen to it again to make sure I'm not mistaken...NO... It starts out sounding completely normal. Then. it sounds like it's the theme to a horror movie, Frankenstein or something and it builds and builds and you're like "what in the world is happening???" Then. the chorus and you can kinda rock to it and it's all good. You start listening to the lyrics and apprectiating it for the poetry, the art. It's where the title from my last post came from. "I don't mind if you sing a different song just as long, just as long as you sing, sing along" is the real quote. Anyway, I like it, even if it freaks you out.

I doubt the others will though. Enjoy.

-T

I don't care if you song a different song just as long as you sing along.

I still can't believe I'm still alive after all of this. 24 and unable to do so much. I was reminiscing about walking in the dead of a snow storm with a bottle of wine a few miles to a friend's house. I didn't quite know how to get there and the snow was too deep to drive. I got lost and ended up cutting through people's backyards to get there. By the time I arrived the wine was almost frozen, it was that cold. I've never had a wine slushie since!

I miss climbing trees. I miss jumping on a horse's back just to see what he'll do, no bridal or anything. I miss jumping courses and learning dressage riding. I miss spending hours out in field service with the pioneers meeting different calls and coming home feeling that incomparable feeling that you just spent your time in the best way possible. I miss getting to know the friends out in service, as well. I miss playing open mike, nights, rocking out on my fender strat playing the songs I'm so proud of. I miss working so hard that I'm exhausted, sweaty and smelly at the end of the day (horse work is only for special people, haha). I miss bringing home a paycheck. I miss helping Dave out financially. I miss washing mud off my boots and oiling them. I miss feeling worth something, feeling useful and needed and reliable.

I don't feel as worthy as I used to. It's been a year since I have. That's why it's so amazing... it's amazing that, in the past, my severe depression has led me on a course of self destruction and yet, with Jehovah, my situation has not deteriorated me to the state of desiring suicide. THAT is mind blowing, to me.

And though I miss all of those things... it's not that heart wrenching/breaking missing, so don't feel bad for me. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. There are people much worse!! At least I'm not confined to a wheelchair! At least I still have a hope of improvement. The radiofrequency has a very good chance of working.

So, I don't feel depressed, even at my worst, or if I do, it's NOTHING compared to what I've been through, I garuantee that! I have learned to rely on Jehovah and I shall never go through that feeling again as long as I live, for that is one lesson I have learned as well as how to spell my name!

I only hope that my effort to get to the meetings (and it has been getting increasingly more painful to do so and I've been spending pretty much all of it in the back room) has greatly encouraged some, because sometimes I feel that's all I can give the congregation and it is very important to me to give something to the congregation, somekind of encouragement. They are my family, my life. I love them like my literal family and Dave feels the same.

That's another thing that kills me. I cannot wait for this weight to be taken off of Dave. I do feel like it has gotten better lately since we have been talking a bit more, but I do hate for him to worry about me. As I said, it bothers me for anyone to worry about me, most of all him.

But if I were to make any point in this log, I suppose it would be that I'm SO glad to have Jehovah and his people, my friends and family. Life would be nothing without them. Forget being in a wheelchair, forget being paralyzed...life could only truly be worse if I did not have Jehovah. Life would not be worth living. It wouldn't be enough.

So yeah. Here's a picture on my husband and I.

-T

PAIN>

I'm very happy to see that, despite myself, I haven't complained about pain once on this site, yet. I break that habit today, however, for it is the first and foremost thing on my mind.

I worked my heart and soul out at a job on a horse farm(of course). It was a foolish task of youth. NEVER give that much of yourself to anyone, but Jehovah and yourself or family. Lived and learned.

You see, one day, just like any other, I was finishing up my workday with carrying a 50lb. feedbag down some stairs to a barn. Out of exhaustion, I suppose, I missed a step and fell forward hard on the landing. I sat up quickly, in shock for a few minutes, amazed that I had not smashed my face on the cement and thanking Jehovah that I was still alive. I made sure I was unharmed, finished my tasks and went home for the day.

The following day, Thursday, I was a bit more achy than usual, but I paid it no mind. Then, Friday, by the time the day was over, I could barely drive home. My back was in intense, sharp shooting pain. I practically crawled into my house and fought the pain until Monday, when I finally went to get it treated. Unfortunately, the place I went to was the worst place I could have gone (Dolson Avenue Medical, Middletown, NY). I went merely because it was familiar to me.

About a month later, my neck pains had gotten so bad that I hardly felt any of the pain in my low back anymore. The pain was on the right side of my neck, down my right shoulder and into my right arm. Then, from the bottom of my skull up the back of my head. These are the pains I suffer from mostly today, 7 months later. The pinching in the back is NOTHING compared to the upper body agony.

I've had two epidurals to treat the inflammation in my neck and they worked on the spots the put the medicine in, but towards the from of the neck, it is still burning and the back of my head feels like I was hit in the head with a baseball bat. It's only on the surface of the skull though, it doesn't affect the rest of my head. But that is enough to stop me from living life.

I wasn't doing so bad until a couple of weeks ago. January 22nd I was given the O.K. by Dr. Lester (Emerson, NJ) to return to work with NO restrictions. He said I needed to work through the pain and that sitting home doing nothing would prolong my pain and add depression and whatnot.
My jerk of a boss wouldn't let me come back to work for him (thankfully), so I proceeded to set and exercise schedule for myself, determined to get better. I am a very self motivated person, extremely stubborn when I need to be (and sometimes when I shouldn't, but I'm working on that). I was walking a mile 3 times a week, doing pilates daily for my core muscles and I even had a little dumbell routine. I wasn't feeling too bad yet, so I started going out in the field ministry as much as possible, which involved alot of driving. I was happier than ever. As the Dr. had ordered I got a couple deep tissue massages, as well.

Then one day it hit me. It was at night when I started feeling alittle sick. I get sick alot, so I went home soon after the meeting at the Kingdom Hall and I couldn't get up from the couch without wanting to vomit. I never did, though. I also had no other symptoms, but weakness and fatigue and my head started hurting even worse. It wasn't until Sunday morning that I realized it was all because of my head pain. I had showered and prepared for the noon meeting and just before we left it hit me: the intense pain emitting from the back surface of my head which made me feel that sickness again.

I still kept pushing myself. The Dr. had told me I had to have faith that I'd get better, so I tried. I'm still trying even now as I sit here typing as my head pounds and burns and feels as it it's so heavy I couldn't even lift it with my arms. What basis does the Dr. have for telling me to work through the pain? None. The more I do, the more intensified the pain gets.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow. And if he can't tell me anything to help? We're gonna have to take it all into our own hands and sue for permanent damage. I'm so young. This stinks.

Even so, my life is wonderful (compared to what it used to be) and I know it. I try not to complain, because I'd rather be here with Jehovah and my family and congregation than anywhere in the world. Even if I don't ride a horse again pain-free until the paradise is regained.

What's 80 years compared to forever? A drop in the ocean! Think about it. I do all the time. Forever is a LONG wonderful time with no pain and suffering :)

-T

Not Mother Material

I cannot stand the traits of children. Whinning, crying, temper tantrums... I think my friend was right when she told me I should refrain from having kids for the good of mankind.

-T